Life is Saudi Arabia: Year One Reflections

Today, June 6, marks our year anniversary in Saudi Arabia. It’s flown by. , also during Ramadan. Everything was new, foreign, HOT and seemed like a challenge. So many people said to us, “Wait until a year from now. You’ll be a veteran before you know it.”

I had a lot of apprehensions about moving here, but I was also up for an adventure. It really took no time to get accustomed to the differences – call to prayer, navigating trips off the DQ around and during prayer times, seeing a woman completely covered while her husband wears Western clothing, the heat, having to be driven everywhere, not being able to have a glass of wine while out to dinner, missile attack interceptions (NBD), etc. Just another day in the kingdom. 

As I’ve learned with most situations in life, it’s ALL relative. Experiences are what I make them. I can choose to let the positive or negative affect me.

On the positive, I’m so proud of the fact I made every effort to work in the Starcom Riyadh office, which very few women have the opportunity to do in this country. I enjoyed everyday there, getting to know the business in a new country, learning from people and making new relationships. I’m bummed I’m not working at the moment, but the silver lining is, that this isn’t a financial burden on us. And not working during this pregnancy has been a blessing, as my blood pressure and stress level will attest.

I’ve also been able to devote more time to the boys, my passions, and take better care of myself. What a gift! I’ve learned a new language…hmmmm, shwaya (a little). We’ve been able to see other parts of the region and took a couple amazing vacations. We’ve made new forever friends.

On the flip side, Saudi Arabia is still one of the most oppressive countries in the world. I recognize and respect the cultural differences between a conservative Muslim country and the U.S. There are a lot of changes that have taken place since our arrival though – women are no longer required a male guardian to travel, the women driving ban is lifted (so happy to be proved wrong on that one!), and the opening of movie, censored of course, theaters. But just a few weeks ago a number of women activists were arrested for speaking out against the government and royal family; for what exactly no one knows. Any progress being made is great, but I believe that improving human rights for women and foreign nationals are critical to be considered true cultural reform that will in turn help other countries to see any progress as legitimate. Early after we arrived I learned of Vision 2030 and wrote about my hope for progress. I haven’t lost that hope. We’ve been fortunate to be here at a pivotal time. I just hope more substantial change is yet to come that isn't just focused on entertainment, tourism, and capitalism. This is my struggle being here, particularly as an American diplomatic guest in the country.

When I meet new people they usually ask if I like being here. Being the honest person I am, I say “I don’t dislike it.” Same as when I lived in London, being outside of the U.S. for an extended period of time makes me appreciate home so much more. Even for all of its faults and shortcomings, living here has brought a lot of positive change and growth in my life and to our family. For that, Saudi Arabia will always have a unique significance to us. And yes, in case you were wondering, I will be getting my drivers license in the coming weeks!

A New Narrative For Saudi…and the US?

Disclaimer: I’m going a little off my usual topics this week. Guess I’m just fired up and need to vent.

Not sure if anyone was keeping tabs on the World Economic Forum last week. I surely wasn’t, but I happened to catch a video clip of Princess Reema during the Saudi panel discussion. I’ve written about her in a few previous posts as she’s a huge women advocate and I had the pleasure of seeing her speak at a conference in December. She’s brilliant and I took her words in Davos to heart. I will admit that I’m guilty of being judgmental of some cultural differences and skeptical of progress in Saudi Arabia.

This was timely because just the day before I was out to lunch with some fellow “diplo wives of Riyadh”. ;) We were discussing Islamic culture, particularly rules for women during Ramadan and not being able to fast when menstruating and the requirement of those fast days being made up later in the year before the next Ramadan. When I learned of this it reminded me of Orthodox Judaism’s law of niddah and how a woman is considered “impure” while on her period and until she cleanses herself (mikvah). Yes, both practices seems a bit extreme and anti-woman to me. It’s not my culture, nor my religion. I wasn’t raised with those practices in my upbringing, but I applaud people who are devout and closely follow their religion’s rules. I bend the rules of the Catholic Church quite a bit, so kudos to them!

I try to be pretty open minded about other religions and cultures and after listening the Princess Reema’s panel discussion in Davos it reinforced – I’m not saying what’s right or wrong, some things are just different than what I’m accustomed to. Living and working in KSA has certainly pushed me to be more understanding and accepting.

Although I’ve been hopeful about progress in the Kingdom and excited to see it happen while we’re living here, which I’ve written about previously, I will totally own being a naysayer about the progress made in this country. A lot has happened since our arrival last June. Women will be driving this summer, movie theaters will open in March, women over the age of 25 can travel alone (with some stipulations), women can now attend soccer matches, there is an co-ed outdoor music festival planned in Riyadh this spring, etc. If you speak with anyone who has lived here more than 5 years they with say this changes are huge! And when they were announced a lot of people said, including myself, I’ll believe it when I see it...insha allah (if God wills it). Once can quickly become jaded being here when you start feeling oppressed yourself.

All of these changes are the right thing to do for the Kingdom and its’ people. A lot of people will say it’s being done for the West, to make companies feel more comfortable doing business here. And that is sad, because even though progress has been slow for decades or regressed because some clerics deemed it, the truth of the matter is America and the West, probably shouldn’t be casting stones.

I’m not going to say that things are perfect in KSA. There is so much progress still to be made. I’ve heard some sexist comments made about women, from non-Saudis and non-Muslims alike. Yes, I will respond when I hear them but I do so VERY politely. I’m always reminding myself that our cultures are so different. It’s nothing that offensive, mainly comments about women not knowing how to drive properly driving or dealing with women’s hormones in the office. Really, some of these comments would have been common to hear in the U.S. 20 years ago.

But look at how devastating our culture is right now? We claim to be progressive but how can we be when we have so many devastating sexual assault, harassment and inequality issues and an obscene amount that surfaced in just the last 4 months? We unfortunately have a culture of f*ck boys, cultivated for decades, who somewhere along the way believed it was fine to demean women and men, preyed on those with less strength or power, took advantage of people with less status than them, and made it so those people didn’t feel safe speaking out or coming forward, until now. Even the supposed good guys, those portrayed as heroes in films in Hollywood, didn’t even come to the rescue of their friends and costars when they heard these stories years ago! It’s disappointing to know these acts have recently taken place in corporate culture, in politics, and in universities. It makes me feel like nowhere is safe. And as a mother it’s really scary. The #MeToo and #TimesUp movements have been powerful in creating support that’s obviously necessary for people to know and feel they’re not alone. Is shocking that it’s taken this long for it all to surface.

Clearly a lot of progress still needs to be made in the US, too. I hope and pray we’re closing an ugly chapter and that people will never be afraid to speak their truth. I will do everything in my power to raise kind and respectful children, with confidence and strength to not only defend for themselves but to defend anyone they hear of or see is being hurt.

It’s All Happening…En Sha Allah (God Willing) Women Will Be Driving

Well the world is abuzz about the women driving ban being lifted in KSA. Social media was crazy here upon the announcement with those who support the decree and conservatives who are vehemently against. Thankfully the latter was only about 15% of tracked conversations, per a listening study that Publicis Groupe (our parent company) did last week. There also a contingent of people who will believe it when they see it, me included. For the less than four months we’ve been in country, I’ve become a bit jaded. Yes, this is all exciting and historical but as I was chatting with my Arabic instructor yesterday, who is Syrian, I learned too that she’s un-phased by this decree. Nothing moves quickly here, plus laws and rules are not always clear.

As you may have read, women won’t be allowed to apply for a drivers’ license until June 2018. And with that there are a number of rumors flying around the driving rules. Admittedly Prince Khaled bin Salman, the Saudi Ambassador to the United States and the King’s son, rebuked an important one of these already. I’ve yet to find the below published by the government. This is merely hearsay on Twitter and from people I’ve spoken with…

• The minimum driving age will be 30

• Women must have the consent of their mahram/guardian to drive (Prince KBS stated women wouldn’t need permission)

• The driver must wear a uniform (not sure how that would be different than an abaya)

• The driver cannot wear ANY makeup (because they can easily bat their lined and mascaraed eyelashes to get out of ticket?)

• Will be allowed to only drive within city limits alone and outside of with her mahram

• Women driving times are set 7a-8p Saturday-Wednesday and noon-8p Thursday-Friday (Saudi’s don’t do much socially until later in the evening so I suppose this would prohibit a rendezvous with the opposite sex)

Aside from getting clarity on the above. There is a lot that needs to be done between now and next summer to get the country ready for women to be on the road. Per the NY Times article, the Kingdom stated that it will 1) need time to educate women how to drive and 2) educate men on how to interact with women on the road. I guarantee the majority of efforts will be on the latter of the two. Just because women aren’t legally allowed to drive in KSA doesn’t mean they haven’t already been behind the wheel in KSA or in other countries.

Absolutely men will need to be prepared to interact with women. The biggest preparation to be done is creating an infrastructure to be get women on the road and be ready for them. It’s hard to imagine if you haven’t experienced it but there are separate lines for women EVERYWHERE you go, so there is no male-female interaction, unless it’s with a male that works at the establishment. I know, it doesn’t make any sense. There are even women’s only STC stores. We just can’t go to any STC store to buy a new phone or update our phone plan. Women have to go to a specific store! And there are only a few women only stores in Riyadh, even though women make up more than half of the population. The same applies for bank branches, where most people pay their bills. I’m imagining your perplexed face as you read this.

That being said, I’m pretty sure the KSA version of the DMV is figuring out how to plan for this with either a women only section in the DMV location or locations that are only for women...then anticipating the flood of women coming in June to take their tests.

Also, there will likely need to be some female police support recruitment as well EMTs. In a major and slightly more liberal city like Jeddah this won’t be much of an issue, but in a much more conservative province like Mecca or rural eastern province male police will have issues interacting with women.

The scary thing is that KSA is a dangerous place to be on the road. In 2016, 9,031 Saudis were killed in traffic accidents, averaging 25 deaths a day. Some think that with more women on the road there will be less accidents, but inevitably with women driving there is an increased chance for them to be involved.  I'm not presuming that women haven’t already been in accidents, but there will need to be a lot of education for men to interact with or hiring of women to deal with these delicate situations. In conservative places where there may only be male EMTs this could also mean potentially delaying the care a woman should receive if her mahram isn't present. Efforts have been made in the last few years to train and recruit women for EMT roles. 

Clearly there is a lot of work to be done and I’m sure I’ve only touched on a few of the areas to be addressed, but I hopefully the Kingdom succeeds in making the deadline and putting more effort into keeping their citizens safer…en sha allah.

Welcome To Heartbreak - Divorce In The Kingdom

Disclaimer: I want to preface this post by stating that this is definitely a heavier topic than I would normally write about, and some may have some sensitivities to these issues and content, but I think it’s important to be aware of which is why I'm sharing.

Kingdom Tower is a landmark in Riyadh. You may have noticed it in a previous Instagram post of mine. It’s has a mall, with high end luxury stores - Cartier, Gucci, Chanel, Etro…it’s all there. What’s really unique about the mall is the women’s only floor. I was reading up on it before our first visit. One article struck me as it was the first time I read about divorce in KSA, stating divorced women wanting a place to be social outside of their home. Given their financial situation after divorce they may be ashamed of their home, living with family, or just want to go somewhere to get their mind off things.

This piqued my curiosity, so I starting doing some research. I was surprised to find that divorce is relatively common in KSA, at over 30%. Even with it being severely looked down upon it’s not against Shari’a law. Even more surprising is how easy it is for men to divorce women.  There are two types of divorce in Saudi Arabia. The first is Talaq, in which a man declares divorce. The other is Khula, a divorce at the insistence of the wife. I should note that these are specific to KSA and Sunni Law. The different schools under Sunni and Shia have different laws when it comes to divorce.

With Talaq Saudi men are allowed to divorce their wives without any legal reasoning. In fact men don’t even have to pay for the divorce. Historically, a man could divorce a woman reciting the divorce call three times - Talaq, Talaq, Talaq. After saying it, or even texting it, the couple is divorced.

Saudi women are unable to obtain a divorce without the consent of their husbands, who remain their guardians throughout divorce proceedings A woman must go to court to petition for a divorce, or Khula.  In this case, she has to return her dowry and pay her husband a certain amount of money to cover anything he spent on her for the duration of the marriage. This explains why some women often do not have the means to cover the cost of living and end up living with family.

(Side note, I wanted to end each sentence in the above two paragraphs with exclamation points and multiple at that, but I restrained myself.)

According to statistics released by the Ministry of Justice, there was an increase in the number of Khula cases last year. The number of cases all over the Kingdom totaled 2,033 cases, but Khula only makes up about 5% of total divorce cases. So either women aren’t initiating as much as men and/or they aren’t being granted Khula by the courts.

Some speculate the reasons for divorce rate. First, unrelated men and women are not allowed to interact under Islamic law. Often marriages are arranged. Couples rarely get to know each other, or even meet, before marriage. In modern day, marriages will have a tough time succeeding without establishing a good foundation. There are some ridiculous stories I’ve read, one in particular about a man divorcing his wife on their wedding night because they had a pre-nup stating that she wouldn’t post any wedding photos on social media and he caught her posting some on Snapchat. I was relaying this to J and he said "they probably had an arranged marriage and wanted an easy way out of it.' That thought never occurred to me, but the idea is completely plausible given the practice still exists in the 21st century.

Tasneem Alsultan is a wedding photographer and artist. Her story begins like many Saudi women who married too young, in an arranged marriage and without knowing their partner. She thought they would eventually grow to love one another, but it never happened. Ten years later, and after having two daughters, she asked for a divorce. She turned her own experience and work into something positive for Saudi women, creating an online exhibition called Saudi Tales of Love, almost an anthology of concepts of love and marriage—those who are single or divorced, married for decades, widowed or even remarried. 

While some traditionalists say that young people today are too quick to divorce because they don’t respect the sanctity of marriage, others say that the increase is because women are starting to speak up if they are abused by their husbands. In the past, the stigma against divorce may have convinced them to keep quiet. Saudi Arabia’s Justice Ministry said its courts received 1,498 domestic violence cases during the past Islamic calendar year, including torture of wives and children and abuse of one of the parents. There were also cases in which brothers were found to be guilty of torturing their sisters. The majority of cases were husbands and brothers beating their wives and sisters, humiliating them, locking them inside rooms, taking away their rights, stealing salaries of wives and sisters and neglect of children and wives. Obviously these are not all cases of husbands abusing their wives. Sadly, all women can be affected by violence from their brothers, husband and sons. And these are just the reported cases. Many instances go undocumented for fear of the shame that these women might face.

Even though they may be enduring some form of abuse, there is reason why women aren’t asking for a divorce. The Saudi family law courts give fathers full-time custody over the children when girls are seven and boys are nine. When they turn 18, boys can choose whether to live with the mother or the father but it is up to the father to let his daughters live with the mother. This goes back to the guardianship men have over women in KSA. I can imagine this is a reason heavily weighing on why women don’t leave their husbands, knowing they’ll lose their children.

In an Arab News article a son recounts the mental and physical abuse his mother suffered from. He states, his mother never filed for divorce because she knew she would lose her boys. And because she wasn’t well educated she believed she would never find a job that would pay her enough to sustain her sons’ education and upbringing. She put up with the abuse and an unhappy marriage so she could stay with her children.

Tasneem, mentioned above, was granted custody of her girls by her ex-husband with the agreement that her father and brothers be involved in raising them. Plus, she was only given $100/month of child support per child, so she needed some help from her family. There are many stories of women being completely cut off from all communication with their children and children being moved away to live with extended family, making it impossible for mothers to see them. It’s infuriating and heartbreaking to think about anyone going through this.

The bright spot is that the National Society for Human Rights was successful in helping some divorced mothers win custody of their children last year. The exact number of cases won is not documented, but the NSHR states that the number of cases they received in 2016 was less than the previous year, declining from 151 to 135. It’s thought that the fall in number is attributed to increasing awareness among women of their rights, with many of them directly approaching courts without involving NSHR.

Sadly, none of these issues I've touched on seem to be a big social concern here, but why would they when women barely have any rights? Hopefully with greater awareness of what other women have faced, education of individual rights, and increased bravery more Saudi women will be able to take action for the better in their lives and still be a primary figure in their children’s.