The impetus for writing this came from a friend who called me a few days ago from Miami to inform me that she and her husband, along with their two toddlers, are moving to New Zealand in three weeks. THREE. WEEKS! He got a job offer that he couldn’t refuse and they need him there quickly. Dang. At least we had a year to mentally and physically prepare for our move. I can’t imagine what she’s going through.
I was impressed with the calm in her voice. She admitted she must have been in denial or the reality hadn’t set in. I know that feeling. It wasn’t until our movers came and I was standing in an empty apartment, out first Virginia home as a family, did it sink in that we were leaving for Riyadh. She was looking to me for some tips so immediately I starting thinking back to that time and how I might compress it in three weeks. I was getting overwhelmed for her.
If you Google this topic (timing aside) you’ll mostly find a slew of helpful lists to get you started, but not much real-life wisdom. And those that are first-hand accounts are blog posts from some wanderlust millennial, single and most definitely without children. If you’re thinking, “Man, I really wanted to live abroad before I got married and had kids. Forget it now!” you are absolutely wrong. Yes, international moves are HARD. What person in their right mind would do this to their spouse, let alone children? Well, J and I for starters. And hundreds of thousands of people once you start thinking about all of the diplomats posted all over the world and the expat community working internationally. It’s actually much more common than most realize, as we now know first hand.
If you want a little inspiration or you’re thinking that boat has sailed, I’m here to reassure you it’s absolutely doable. In the spirit of camaraderie (and dedicated to my dear friend P) I thought I’d share some life experience at it relates to my London move back in 2010 as well our Riyadh move in 2017 with, then, 16-month old twins. Note: I’m not going to talk about finding a job. This is merely prepping for the move itself, the flight and settling in at your new destination. Below is a very detailed and pretty comprehensive list of what you’ll need to prepare, ideally in chronological order. I didn’t put timing against anything as most situations are unique (e.g. three months vs. a year!)....
Congrats! You or your significant other got a new job and you’re moving to an amazing city on this glorious planet. Or maybe the city isn’t amazing at all...and maybe you’ve never visited...and don’t know a single soul there. Hmmmm, sounds like Riyadh to me. Fear not! Take a deep breath. Everything is going to be fine.
Passports and Visas – check all of your passports to make sure they don’t expire within six months of your departure. If they do you need to get them renewed, and potentially expedited depending on your timeline. Look into the visa rules for the country you’re moving to, how long the application process is, what’s required and who all from your family will need a visa to enter the country upon arrival. Hopefully the company that's moving you will be able to help/handle, but never assume and it’s good to get a jump on this.
Current Home – do you rent or own? If you rent, what are the penalties for breaking your lease? Are you going to sell your home or hire a management company to rent your property?
Contracts – speaking of leases, what other contracts are you responsible for that need to be terminated – car lease, car and home insurance, gym memberships, etc.?
Vehicle – depending on where you’re going you may have to sell it and buy a new one. Coming to KSA we were able to ship our car, but we did get rid of our previous vehicle and bought something a little less nice along with a color and interior more practical for the desert.
Pets – this is HUGE and can take a lot of time depending on where you’re going. I think the rules have lessened a bit for UK, but when I took Wally in 2010 he had to be “quarantined” 6 months Stateside before entering UK. Even getting him to KSA was an ordeal and took about a month of prep. Also some countries have banned breed lists. We know of vets that have fudged paperwork for clients though. Do your homework so you don’t have to leave your pets behind.
Will and Testament – I know this is morbid, but it’s that pragmatic thing to do. If you and your spouse don’t have one already, hire a lawyer to draw it up and get it notarized before you leave. And if you do have one, get it updated. Make sure it’s sent to the person who will be the executor of your estate. God forbid anything happen, but you don’t want your blasé thinking of “nothing will happen!” being a massive point of contention amongst your family members and things getting tied up in court.
Medical Stuff – depending on where you’re going, you and family may need additional vaccinations or at least an update on your current ones. This is a good time for everyone to get to the doctor for a check-up and to request medical history packets, including lists of current vaccinations, for all family members. Also, make use of your current insurance and go to the dentist, eye doctor, get prescriptions refills etc. before you leave.
Packing – start making lists of what to bring in your luggage vs. shipment, what you’ll sell vs. put in storage. When I moved to London my contract was only for 6 months so I didn’t have the luxury of movers. I packed a few suitcases, put the rest of my stuff in storage, rented a furnished apartment and bought whatever else I needed upon arrival. This was entirely different than our Riyadh move as we had movers and everything was paid for.
Think about the comforts of your home and what will make your new home feel more familiar. In hindsight I wish we had shipped our furniture and Christmas decorations. We thought we could do without the furniture since we showed up to a furnished home and the stories about Saudi customs scared me enough that I didn’t want to risk the decorations. I was wrong on both counts! Bring whatever will make the transition easier for your kids. We put nothing of theirs in storage. We prioritized some of their stuff in the air shipment and had everything else in cargo so their room looks pretty much like it did in Virginia.
Movers – the company you’re relocating with may hire your movers or they may give you money to hire them yourselves. Either way find out what your options are for airfreight and cargo shipments. Having an idea of what you will ship will be helpful when getting quotes. Shipping by air is expensive so it would be a limited amount of your items. If you’re able to do an airfreight shipment you’ll get some things considerably sooner. In ours we packed the majority of our kitchen, electronics, and The Gents everyday necessities plus some toys to get them by until the rest arrived.
Future Home – it is secured for you or do you need to find one? I didn't secure my London flat until the day before I left! Talk about anxiety. It was crazy because property moves so quickly there and six hour time difference made it difficult to communicate with agents. I also had to wire funds vs. using a credit card to make a deposit. Will your new home furnished? Can you rent furniture to start? Some locations take a looong time to ship to. Depending on how long you’re going to be there you may have to weigh what’s worth shipping vs. selling/donating or putting in storage.
Utilities – call within the month of leaving to get a scheduled shut off date for your current utilities and find out where to return equipment. Also, at your new destination, will utilities be set up or will you be responsible? Again, UK may have moved into the 21st century but years ago they required being in country 3 months to get wifi set-up. Ridiculous. In Riyadh, since I would be working from home, we asked that this be set-up before we arrived and fortunately one of J’s co-workers was really kind to come to our house to make sure it was up and running upon arrival.
Mobiles – you don’t have to give-up your US number. For a small monthly fee some carriers will allow you to put a hold on your account. This comes in handy if you know you’re coming back to the States and if you’re going to be traveling back for an extended period of time. Keeping your mobile number and adding an international service for the first month may also be a good way to transition to your new country before you get a new card SIM card, with a local number. Just remember to hold on to, and remember where you put, that old SIM card for when you do return to the US!
Bank Accounts – We have USAA, which is great because its' core clients are US military, so their customer service caters to those who are deployed. Even though J is not longer active military being posted abroad has similar complexities and it’s wonderful to have a US bank in a foreign country with no foreign ATM fees. Citi has a global footprint as well and I know some people who use that. At any rate, you may need to keep a US account and transfer funds to a bank once you get that account set up. Write down, and keep in a safe place, ALL of your family members bank account numbers, bank routing number, and ABA number as some international banks require it for wire transfers.
Local Resources – we have a community liaison here are the Embassy that I was in touch with a few months before we arrived. I also got connected with women posted here. Having never visited I asked all sorts of questions about the Embassy, being a woman in KSA, childcare, grocery stores, getting technology set-up. I realize in the private sector many do not have this luxury. You or your partner shouldn’t be afraid to ask your co-workers/contacts questions or request some resources to help. My biggest concern was getting a nanny. Because I let people know and posted an ad in the weekly Embassy newsletter I was able to secure a nanny within a few weeks time.
Nanny/Childcare – J started work hours after we landed. You’ll be jet lagged, you’ll need to go to the grocery store immediately, run errands, etc. Again, do a little research or ask people to keep their ears open for you. Having someone to help once you arrive to your destination will be a Godsend. Long term thinking, nannies and household help in foreign countries are considerably cheaper than the US. If you have young children you may want to consider a full-time nanny or someone to help a few hours or days/week. It will give you more time for yourself as well as time for you and your partner to spend together!
Schools – since the boys haven’t started school I don’t have much to share on this topic, but from what I gather it’s a bit of a process requiring quite a bit of research, leg work of visiting schools and the process is different everywhere you go – public vs. private and then factoring in American vs. British vs. French vs. International schools. From what I understand you can’t do much until you arrive in-country, but it’s probably good to see if you can do some research online before you’re on the ground.
Flying With Kids – Likely you’ve already flown internationally quite a bit so you’re a pro, but have you flown internationally with your children? It’s an entirely different beast. J and I purposely went to Paris for my birthday before moving to Riyadh so we had a little experience under our belts. I’m not suggesting you do the same, but just do what you can to mentally prepare yourself. Bring some familiar items, maybe even a surprise, but things that will definitely occupy and comfort them during the long haul. If we didn’t fly with the Gents’ lovies I don’t know how they/we would manage. Recently C was once occupied for an hour just going through my bag to open and close various containers - lip balm, lotion, my compact, rattle a pill case, etc. Plastic water bottles and cups did the trick when they were really young. Admittedly we have now resorted to using an iPad and turning on Sesame Street when they’re really antsy. It’s called survival. Do want you need to do!
Maximize your luggage allowances to the total people flying and pack as much as you can in those bags (keeping in mind weight limits) to get you through until your airfreight and/or your cargo shipment arrives. We brought five large in total. If you’re checking your stroller and/or car seats, make use of the empty space in those bags for light, but bulky items that take up too much space in your suitcase (kids winter coats, swim vest/puddle jumper, stuffed animals, blankie they can’t live without, extra diapers in case you can't find your brand when you arrive, etc.)
If you’re flying with children there are a lot of FAA rules that still apply for international flights. If your child is under two and has its’ own seat/ticket then it needs to be in a car seat. Be sure to read the manual for your car seat to make sure it’s FAA approved. Kids over two require their own ticket and need to be in their own seat even for take-off and landing, which is usually when they want to be held. And know that kids over two don’t need to be in a car seat either, but there are weight requirements to use the flight harness instead. Do your FAA and specific airline research and PRINT the pages from both sites that back you up because you don’t want some flight attendant telling you your kid can’t fly because you haven’t brought the proper equipment…I can’t even imagine.
Ear pressure is the worst for little ones and is the only reason our guys have ever cried in-flight. We attempt to give them liquids and or snacks at takeoff and descent (no sooner in either event so they don't down an entire bottle before reaching cruising altitude or landing) to help combat the ear popping. If your kid isn’t thirsty or hungry be prepared that they may scream and there is nothing you can do about it. Just take a deep breath and smile when people glare at you. This too shall pass.
Leave enough time for connections between flights, about three hours minimum. Depending on where you're connecting you may have to go through customs before boarding your next flight. This could take an hour+ with kids. Factor in the possibility of first leg being delayed, restroom breaks/diaper changes, grabbing something to eat, boarding starting 60 minutes before the flight leaves and you're now out of time. Everything takes longer with kids, especially when you're flying. If you have a really long layover, make use of the airline’s lounge to shower/freshen up and, if possible, take a nap. I know, this may be difficult with small children but J and I took turns and managed to accomplish both in the Lufthansa lounge in Frankfurt. If your class of ticket doesn’t come with lounge access you can usually purchase them at the lounge. It’s worth it.
Transportation – you’ve landed. Success! You’ve gotten through customs, collected all of your bags, and your pet (if you brought one). Double success! Now who’s picking you up? If you opt to hire a driver to get your family to your new place, keep in mind if all of your luggage will fit a large vehicle in a foreign country. They're usually smaller than US vehicles. We uncomfortably fit all of us, luggage, stroller, travel cribs, etc. in a Chevy Suburban from DC to Dulles. And we didn’t have Wally with us while we were living in the Rosewood so our dear wonderful brought him at the airport. When we arrived in Riyadh, thankfully, the Embassy brought two SUVs for all of us.
Settling-In – (Check out some of my first posts from Riyadh in the KSA Lifestyle section) By the time we arrived at our new home it was Tuesday 23:00, 26 hours of door-to-door travel. Our priority was The Gents and Wally, getting them settled and to bed. J was on top of getting cribs set-up while I gave C&R a bath and we got them down for the night. Wally needed to eat and a walk. I’m a firm believer that routine is important with kids and animals in general, but it also helps with transitions. They all slept soundly until our nanny arrived the following morning. Our second priority was unpacking suitcases which we did after the boys were down for the night. It felt good to get stuff put away before taking a shower and passing out. The following morning The Gents were a bit jet lagged, but in good spirits exploring their new surroundings. Overall, they were champs and never had sleep issues because we kept them on schedule. J went into the office that first morning and we’d later make it off the DQ for our first grocery run. There was so much admin stuff for J to get done, paperwork, IDs, etc. By Thursday I had completed everything I could possibly do at home, until our first shipment arrived. I felt good.
That night we went over to the Embassy, with C&R, and I was actually able to meet some people. Granted, we have Embassy establishments we can go to and people are pretty social and empathic to the new people because they were once in the same position. We also have groups that arrange events so it’s easier to get out and meet people. I know, being in the private sector you’re entirely on your own to get out and make friends. I think back to my days in London. If I was invited out by someone I went, even if I didn’t feel like it. You just have to get out and force yourself to meet people. And today there are so many Facebook groups to make it easier to connect with people in any location on the globe. If you put in the time and effort you will get a return. Every person you meet won’t necessarily be your new best friend, but they could lead to a good friendship and meeting other people to build your tribe, making things feel a little more normal.
Also, get in with your resident country Embassy and try to make friends with diplomats. If you’re American and your kids go to the American school, that’s also a way to potentially connect with American diplomats. We’ve met a number of American expats hanging at the pool or attending events as guests. Coming to the Embassy and being with other Americans is a way for them to have a connection to home.
You might go through a low period after you get settled in. It’s been said it happens around six months after arrival. I think I just kept myself so busy with family, work, my projects, social events, and hanging out with people that it didn’t affect me as much as it can others. Around Christmas was the only time I felt homesick. There will come a point when you miss home, your friends and you’ll feel like you’re missing out on so much. Just know that they love and miss you a ton, too! This too shall pass.
Before you know it, you’re nine months into it and in a years’ time you’re going to be prepping for your return. Or you and your family may decide you love it and want to stay. Or maybe you want to transfer to another location?! Whatever you decide you’ll look back on this time and think, “Wow! We did that. It made us stronger as individuals and as a couple. We learned so much about ourselves. We gave our kids an experience that they could never have back home. I met some good people and made forever friends. I’m so grateful for this!” I’m pretty certain you won’t regret a single thing about making this life change.
Hopefully this makes you feel better and arms you with some knowledge to tackle this next life challenge. Best of luck in your endeavors! xo
