Letting Go

There was a time in my life that I would definitely consider myself a control freak. It wasn’t the need to plan every aspect and detail of my life or needing to be in control of every situation. I’m a planner and I wanted to know what was coming. It got to a point when I would voraciously read horoscopes thinking it would give me a heads-up to plan things. It was also about the long game. I wanted to know that my life was going to be good, that I would be  happy. I would see psychics from time to time because it was reassuring to hear from someone that my family would be healthy and all would be well. I’ve read that it’s an Aries trait, the need to plan ahead and to feel more in control. I’m sure more of it has to do with my anxiety issues than anything! Knowing an eclipse was coming or when Mercury would be in retrograde wasn’t helping me though. It was just making things worse because I waiting for the bad stuff to happen. It started becoming too much in 2012 and early 2013.

Contentment came when I felt my life was falling into place. For me that was a successful career (getting my VP promotion in 2013), a partner with whom things came easy (meeting J in 2013 and we were engaged in 2014), and finally being blessed children. Although I was still struggling with some anxiety, I didn’t need the reassurance that I used to crave. Over time I’ve developed a confidence that things are going to be fine. Maybe it’s a mindset that comes with age? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not leaving things to chance. I do everything in my power to positively impact a situation. For me there have been experiences in life completely out my control giving me reason to just let go and embrace the situation, particularly planning our wedding, the Gents’ birth and J’s career.

J was previously married and for us to get married in the Catholic Church he’d have to have an annulment. It was my dream to have a traditional Catholic marriage ceremony in the Church. The short of a very long story is that the annulment didn’t come in time. Why didn’t we just wait for the annulment and then get married in the Church? It was becoming such a process that we couldn’t foresee how long it would actually take. We were beyond ready to start our life together and hopefully a family quickly, knowing that his career would take us outside of the US soon. We’ll eventually have our marriage blessed in the Church though. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Had we waited who knows when I would have gotten pregnant? And would we have The Gents today? I can’t imagine our life without these little people and their specific personalities. Even though not getting the annulment in time was a disappointment, we still had a beautiful, intimate, and REALLY special ceremony. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

So two months later I got pregnant, with twins! Amazing. This was God’s plan. I had a great pregnancy with no issues. At Week 32 C weighed 5.5 lbs and R weighed 4.5 lbs. That following week was really stressful with work and I put in 42 hours in three days. Thursday morning of my week 33 appointment I felt that something was off, but I chalked it up to be tired from work. J couldn’t make the appointment (the only one he didn’t go to) and I assured him I would be fine my own. That morning as I was getting into the shower I noticed a small amount of fluid leaking down my leg. Not one to be an alarmist, I just took it easy knowing that I was going in for my appointment that afternoon. My usually gregarious tech started the scan and I knew something was definitely wrong because he was so quiet. He then asked me if my water broke and I told him about the fluid from earlier in the day. The ultrasound doctor then came in to take a look. More silence. They finally told me that R had lost a pound since the previous week, most of the fluid in his sack had been depleted, there was low blood and oxygen flow between us, that I was immediately being admitted for the three of us to be monitored and that I would be having these babies by Saturday evening at the latest. My head was spinning. I was terrified for these guys. J wasn’t there! We weren’t ready! There were still things that needed to be finished in the nursery and prepped at home. Who was going to take care of Wally? And how was I going to get things tied up at work in time? (Yes, that last one was an actual concern.) It all worked out though. They arrived Saturday morning, tiny but healthy considering the scare we had. We knew how blessed we were compared to other families with children there. The biggest compliments we received as new parents were from doctors and nurses commenting on how chill we were and how well we handled it all. Energy is powerful and we didn’t want any negative vibes flowing to them.

And just over a week after the boys arrived J had to begin applying for positions at various Embassy posts. I will never forget him calling me from work while I was getting ready to go back to the hospital to visit the boys. We discussed and aligned on the rank order of the short list, consisting of locations all in the Middle East. I was so overcome with the day-to-day of The Gents, running back and forth to the hospital multiple times a day, pumping, trying to recuperate from the c-section and taking care of myself that I was going non-stop. I didn’t have time to think about where we might end up in a year plus. Three months later we found out we were moving to Riyadh. This is now our reality every two to three years. J will put in for a number of positions at various posts and then we’ll see what he matches with. We’re currently waiting to find out where we’re going in 2019. I do get a say in where he applies. For us to live this life the deal is that the company I work for has to have an office in any post location he applies, in hopes that I can find a position when we arrive. Other than that, it’s completely out of my control. And it’s kind of awesome. Yes, a little nerve-wracking, but there’s also something liberating and exciting about it! What matters the most is that we’re all together and safe.

I'm so grateful for these experience and the awareness of learning from them. Each has made me much more carefree. Believe me, I have had my share of freak-out moments consisting of anger, sadness, and worry all rolled into one during each. I certainly didn’t see it at the time when they were all happening, especially when my anxiety was at its peak (with the culmination of a cancer scare and the miscarriage) right before our Saudi move. Hindsight really is 20/20 though. Looking back, I firmly believe each of these major hurdles and life changes has helped me with my anxiety and retraining me to deal with things in an entirely different way. As I’m physically and mentally prepping for #3 I know I’ve got a lot to get done. Thankfully two big pieces of the of puzzle, finding a place to stay and a ob-gyn in Ann Arbor, came together late last night. Now I can focus on, baby prep, travel logistics and finding summer activities for The Gents. It could have been stressful right now, but I’m doing everything in my power to make it come together. No matter what struggles we face as a family, I stay positive and impact what I can. I know it will work out because it always does.

99% Anxiety Free

As shared in previous posts, I’ve had some minor anxiety issues throughout my life that I’ve managed on my own. And in February of this year when I reached my breaking point, dealing with a number of issues, my doctor strongly suggested that I go on a low dose of Lexapro. I really like my doctor back at Georgetown. We’re the same age, she also had twins a little later in life, she genuinely cares so much that she always follows up with me, and she just gets me.

She knew I wasn’t comfortable being medicated. She even told me she didn’t want this being a long term solution for me. She knows I was an avid runner, working out regularly before The Gents arrival, so she wanted me to make an effort to carve out the time to take care of myself again. My mental and physical health depended on it. Knowing the correlation to working out and managing stress, which was how I managed my anxiety for years, I knew what I needed to do. And finally she suggested that maybe I start seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist. I just had a breakdown in her office. On top of work, my health and the move, I immediately started feeling overwhelmed with a list of things to start doing. I told her let’s focus on one thing at a time.

The short of a very long story is that I recently took myself off the Lexapro and I’m grateful for everything and everyone that made it possible for me to do so. I started in February, came off it March when I found out I was pregnant, and started again in mid-April after the miscarriage. This last stint was a 6-month stretch. It was great and exactly what I needed, given all of the struggles I was facing before we left the US. I think it also helped me transition to Riyadh and tackle all I wanted to accomplish before starting work in late July. I discussed it with the doctor at the Embassy in August and she too felt that I could come off it when I was ready. She also said Riyadh isn’t easy, so if the Lexapro helped she didn’t see the harm in sticking with it. Totally my call to make. At that time I was fine continuing it. I was feeling good and handling things well. I think the Lexapro was a bit of a security blanket I wasn’t ready to let go of, just yet.

A portion of my progress is directly attributed to my level of physical activity and dedicated writing. I’ve been working out on a regular basis for almost five months now, doing crossfit/HIIT 3 times a week and yoga once a week. I’ve never felt so strong and fit in my life! Whatever time I have left in the week after spending quality time with J and The Gents, which isn't much, I devote to this creative and cathartic outlet. My goal is to post once a week and I've managed to accomplish that since starting in June. It helps a ton that work isn't too demanding so I can work from home on Arabic class days and leave the office at 5p everyday. Having help from our nanny is another huge factor in my self-care. And last, but not least, is my supportive husband who knows how important these things are to me. I’m SO grateful. I believe everything happens for a reason. And we’re in a place that’s making it possible for me to take care of myself when I’ve needed it the most.

For the record, I did consider seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist. When I started looking into it I realized I already have one in D, my Leadership Coach, who I don’t have to pay for. (LOL!) Seriously though, the stress of my professional life compounded with day-to-day demands is the perfect storm that fuels my anxiety. Once D knew I was pregnant she impressed upon me the importance that I put myself and the babes first. No more messing around. Our collective health depended on it. How D supports me in my professional life often spills into my personal life. In each session we have we focus on a topic or problem to tackle, she makes me aware of any assumptions I’m making in the situation, helps me to think about things differently, suggests ways to approach the issue, and then it’s on me to set an action plan to achieve my goals. I’ve worked with D for nearly 6 years. She is wonderful and has helped me though many challenging times. I’m grateful she’s still willing to work with me while I’m in Riyadh. Even when I can't speak with her I still have her voice in my head, reminding me what I'm doing and helping me to think differently.

So when and how did I decide to stop taking Lexapro? When we got back from Lyon I began forgetting to take it before going to bed. And I never forgot to take it. Maybe it was my new nightly skincare routine that distracted me with so many new, fun and lovely smelling French products. (Can you tell how much I enjoy it?) When I would remember the following morning I thought to myself, “I’ll just take it tonight”. Some nights I would, and others I forgot, again. It was obvious I didn’t need it. I wasn’t fretting about what might happen if I missed a dose, or two, or three. After weening myself off and not taking it for the last few weeks I feel in control and I’m still caaaaalllm.   

Which leads me to my first test. This is a particularly tough week between taking care of myself, barely getting to see my husband because he's working late, spending as much time as possible with the Gents, oh and WORK. There are a few things going on at the office (mainly losing our primary account after 15 years and now pitching a number of new pieces of business to hopefully makeup the difference) that I could easily be worked-up about, but I'm not and I won't. And I’m not going to because, as I have finally learned to embrace, things always have a way of working out for the best...even if we can't see it in the thick if the craze.  Maybe there will be a time further down my path when I might need a little help again, but for now I’m grateful that I got my anxiety under control and to not have any unnecessary chemicals in my body.

One of the most uncharacteristic compliments I have ever received was back in August from my new and dear friend H. She had been in Riyadh just a few days and when meeting The Gents for the first time she commented on how well behaved they are, followed with, "I can see why they're so calm because you're so chill." CHILL! A word that has never been used to describe me! Uptight and high strung, yes. Although one of my friends a few years back once called me "the hippie of type A personalities". I had now reached a new level in my journey with this classification of "chill". Sure, this was just days into my friendship with H, but I was so proud that this was her early impression of me because it's something I've been working on for years. 18 years to be exact. In my very first appointment with a therapist, the summer after my college graduation, she and I discussed how to "stop sweating the small stuff". As I've gotten older it's no longer just small stuff, but rather mostly really BIG, heavy stuff. It's constant work and an on-going process to recognize what I'm doing, correct it, and focus on what I can control. Now that I have a family it's even more important that I'm making the effort so I can be the best version of myself for them. Am I'm not going to let some BS take away my chill. ;) 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! xo