New Year, New Goals

As I was closing out one of my last posts of 2017 I mentioned that work has brought some challenges and uncertainty, that I would get into it another time. Well, the time to share is now. The short of it is that I’m not working. The Starcom Riyadh regrettably office lost its’ primary client. The GM had to make some tough decisions to reorganize staff in Riyadh and Jeddah offices and, for now, they can’t afford to keep me on.

Yes, I’m bummed. I really enjoyed working with this group of people and learning so much the last five months. It was truly a unique experience and I’m so grateful I was able to do it. I’m not worried though. Things ALWAYS have a way of working out. I’ve contacted some people who are looking out for me. Who knows? We may win a new client any day now and I may get called back into the office. In the meantime, I'm continuing to get comfortable in "unknown" and doing what's my control. The silver lining is that I’m home with The Gents. There is nothing negative about any of this!

Our nanny went back to the Philippines for the month to be with her father as he just had eye surgery. We have someone who comes during the day, but definitely not a live-in. I will admit, I’ve gotten a little spoiled having a live-in nanny. I’ve had someone to get up with C&R in the morning while i get ready, I can come and go as I need for work or class, I workout with J in the evenings, we can go out for dinner or hang out with friends sans children, etc. It’s idyllic. Most parents should be so fortunate. Being here, during the week, to get up with C&R and put them to bed is a dynamic I haven’t had since we were in Virginia…and they were much younger then! I’m exhausted. On the upside, I’m getting to connect with them more during the day than I’ve been able to in quite some time. It’s awesome.

So what am I going to do with all of this free time on my hands, now that I'm not going into the office? I’m still going to treat it like I’m going to work, rather now I’m just walking upstairs to my home office. I’ve got some things planned for this time and I’m adding a couple new goals to the mix…

I’m continuing my Arabic studies. I’ve gotten through the beginners and alphabet courses, so now on to intermediary which already started this month.

I started practicing yoga at home. I’ve been taking a class at the Embassy once a week since September. Have I mentioned I can do a head stand now?! It’s amazing what one hour of yoga a week can do and my goal is do two to three hours on my own. This is in addition to my regular HIIT workouts. I have to do these on my own during the day, for the month, because I’m on C&R duty in the evenings.

What I’m going to be adding is mindfulness meditation. I try to practice being mindful in general, all day every day, bit mindfulness meditation is entirely different. It's something I tried starting years ago but just didn’t make it stick. I’m terrible at it. My mind is constantly racing. I can barely pray without distracting myself. This is going to be a challenge for me! A dear friend started a little practice though so she’s my inspiration to get going again.

Since we’ve opted not to put the Gents in school yet and they’re turning two in a month (!) it’s time to start thinking about what more we can be providing for them at home, to get a little more of structure and curriculum that they would be getting at a nursery or Montessori school. I guess I’m going to be one of those homeschooling parents. I know nothing about education so this should be interesting.

And last, but not least, I’m putting a lot of thought into MSTB – what this blog is and what I’m doing with it. Originally it was just a way to stay connected with family and friends, to keep people in the know of our life in Riyadh. It quickly became more than just that because it evolved into my personal therapeutic tool. One of my cheerleader friends gave me a really complementary pep talk recently, informing me of my creativity, gift of writing, and how MSTB can inspire other women and mothers. REALLY?! I have no idea what any of that could be, but I’m going to push myself to hone in on that and pray something good comes from the process! Wish me luck.

So that’s about it. Cheers to getting 2018 started. If I’ve learned anything it’s that I can only grow when I’m pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I hope you’re all as excited and pushing yourselves to do something new and scary, too! xo

99% Anxiety Free

As shared in previous posts, I’ve had some minor anxiety issues throughout my life that I’ve managed on my own. And in February of this year when I reached my breaking point, dealing with a number of issues, my doctor strongly suggested that I go on a low dose of Lexapro. I really like my doctor back at Georgetown. We’re the same age, she also had twins a little later in life, she genuinely cares so much that she always follows up with me, and she just gets me.

She knew I wasn’t comfortable being medicated. She even told me she didn’t want this being a long term solution for me. She knows I was an avid runner, working out regularly before The Gents arrival, so she wanted me to make an effort to carve out the time to take care of myself again. My mental and physical health depended on it. Knowing the correlation to working out and managing stress, which was how I managed my anxiety for years, I knew what I needed to do. And finally she suggested that maybe I start seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist. I just had a breakdown in her office. On top of work, my health and the move, I immediately started feeling overwhelmed with a list of things to start doing. I told her let’s focus on one thing at a time.

The short of a very long story is that I recently took myself off the Lexapro and I’m grateful for everything and everyone that made it possible for me to do so. I started in February, came off it March when I found out I was pregnant, and started again in mid-April after the miscarriage. This last stint was a 6-month stretch. It was great and exactly what I needed, given all of the struggles I was facing before we left the US. I think it also helped me transition to Riyadh and tackle all I wanted to accomplish before starting work in late July. I discussed it with the doctor at the Embassy in August and she too felt that I could come off it when I was ready. She also said Riyadh isn’t easy, so if the Lexapro helped she didn’t see the harm in sticking with it. Totally my call to make. At that time I was fine continuing it. I was feeling good and handling things well. I think the Lexapro was a bit of a security blanket I wasn’t ready to let go of, just yet.

A portion of my progress is directly attributed to my level of physical activity and dedicated writing. I’ve been working out on a regular basis for almost five months now, doing crossfit/HIIT 3 times a week and yoga once a week. I’ve never felt so strong and fit in my life! Whatever time I have left in the week after spending quality time with J and The Gents, which isn't much, I devote to this creative and cathartic outlet. My goal is to post once a week and I've managed to accomplish that since starting in June. It helps a ton that work isn't too demanding so I can work from home on Arabic class days and leave the office at 5p everyday. Having help from our nanny is another huge factor in my self-care. And last, but not least, is my supportive husband who knows how important these things are to me. I’m SO grateful. I believe everything happens for a reason. And we’re in a place that’s making it possible for me to take care of myself when I’ve needed it the most.

For the record, I did consider seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist. When I started looking into it I realized I already have one in D, my Leadership Coach, who I don’t have to pay for. (LOL!) Seriously though, the stress of my professional life compounded with day-to-day demands is the perfect storm that fuels my anxiety. Once D knew I was pregnant she impressed upon me the importance that I put myself and the babes first. No more messing around. Our collective health depended on it. How D supports me in my professional life often spills into my personal life. In each session we have we focus on a topic or problem to tackle, she makes me aware of any assumptions I’m making in the situation, helps me to think about things differently, suggests ways to approach the issue, and then it’s on me to set an action plan to achieve my goals. I’ve worked with D for nearly 6 years. She is wonderful and has helped me though many challenging times. I’m grateful she’s still willing to work with me while I’m in Riyadh. Even when I can't speak with her I still have her voice in my head, reminding me what I'm doing and helping me to think differently.

So when and how did I decide to stop taking Lexapro? When we got back from Lyon I began forgetting to take it before going to bed. And I never forgot to take it. Maybe it was my new nightly skincare routine that distracted me with so many new, fun and lovely smelling French products. (Can you tell how much I enjoy it?) When I would remember the following morning I thought to myself, “I’ll just take it tonight”. Some nights I would, and others I forgot, again. It was obvious I didn’t need it. I wasn’t fretting about what might happen if I missed a dose, or two, or three. After weening myself off and not taking it for the last few weeks I feel in control and I’m still caaaaalllm.   

Which leads me to my first test. This is a particularly tough week between taking care of myself, barely getting to see my husband because he's working late, spending as much time as possible with the Gents, oh and WORK. There are a few things going on at the office (mainly losing our primary account after 15 years and now pitching a number of new pieces of business to hopefully makeup the difference) that I could easily be worked-up about, but I'm not and I won't. And I’m not going to because, as I have finally learned to embrace, things always have a way of working out for the best...even if we can't see it in the thick if the craze.  Maybe there will be a time further down my path when I might need a little help again, but for now I’m grateful that I got my anxiety under control and to not have any unnecessary chemicals in my body.

One of the most uncharacteristic compliments I have ever received was back in August from my new and dear friend H. She had been in Riyadh just a few days and when meeting The Gents for the first time she commented on how well behaved they are, followed with, "I can see why they're so calm because you're so chill." CHILL! A word that has never been used to describe me! Uptight and high strung, yes. Although one of my friends a few years back once called me "the hippie of type A personalities". I had now reached a new level in my journey with this classification of "chill". Sure, this was just days into my friendship with H, but I was so proud that this was her early impression of me because it's something I've been working on for years. 18 years to be exact. In my very first appointment with a therapist, the summer after my college graduation, she and I discussed how to "stop sweating the small stuff". As I've gotten older it's no longer just small stuff, but rather mostly really BIG, heavy stuff. It's constant work and an on-going process to recognize what I'm doing, correct it, and focus on what I can control. Now that I have a family it's even more important that I'm making the effort so I can be the best version of myself for them. Am I'm not going to let some BS take away my chill. ;) 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! xo