Toddlers — Gratitude

I can’t believe it’s been 4 weeks since I last wrote a post! I knew I’d be busy with family and friends, enjoying everything I’d missed this last year about life back home, but it’s been eye opening to realize that I’ve hardly had a free moment for myself now that I’m pretty much on my own with The Gents. And when I do have a moment, I do yoga...and I may have gotten my nails done a couple times! As I have said before, everyone’s definition of self-care changes with life events. :) Next up is finding more time for writing, and then drawing. I really hope it will come, but I’m not putting too much pressure on myself. I’m just enjoying our time here, appreciating each day, and reflecting.

During this time a number of my beliefs have been reinforced:

– America, even with its current short-comings, is still the greatest country in the world

– Adjustments are hard, but life changes are ever harder – exponentially so for toddlers

– Stay at home Mamas, with NO help, have such a tough job

I’ve mentioned this before in reference to my time living in London and since we’ve been in Riyadh, but the United States really IS awesome. Anyone who lives here and doesn’t recognize how precious our freedoms are, despite the many frustrations of our government, needs to spend an extended period of time outside of this country.

This may sound overly simplified and superficial, but – with its fresh air, parks, grocery stores, farmers markets, malls, ease of driving, restaurants, being able to go to church, not having to worry about being confronted by religious police for not being “properly” covered, etc. – living in the U.S. is SO much easier! I hope you all appreciate what you have and are thankful everyday being here.

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I didn’t really think about how each of these four phases of this trip – Chicago, Michigan (at my brother’s), Ann Arbor pre-delivery, and Ann Arbor post-delivery – might affect The Gents. Each of these phases is like a short-term move, and moves take time to time to settle-in and adjust to. It’s been tough on C&R.

As I’ve written before, they sense change is coming, but the last few weeks has been a lot to deal with. They’ve been in so many different environments, they’re constantly over-stimulated, their day-to-day routine is so different and now J is back in Riyadh. It’s been idyllic though, constantly around family and playing outside whenever they want. In these few weeks they’ve grown so much, especially in their communication, and I’m really proud of them.

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That being said, they’re pushing their boundaries since we’ve arrived Stateside. This is the most challenging time I’ve ever experienced with them, especially now that J is back in Riyadh. I truly feel like a stay at home mother now that we’re completely on our own during the day. I appreciate help so much more now! My patience is being tested constantly though. I just hope I can be the best Mama for them…and that they don’t put me into an early labor! Stay tuned… xo

Often I’m asked if The Gents are excited for their baby sister to arrive. Honestly, I don’t think they’re thrilled about it. I’m really not sure they really understand, but they know something is up. Kids are like animals. They sense things. I’ll point to my tummy and say “Baby Sister”, hoping they’ll at least repeat the words. Sometimes I’ll get an acknowledgement. Lately, it goes ignored. I get it. These two have had to share me for the last 2+ years. It’s tough for all of us. I’ve felt torn between the two of them from the beginning.

C was a high needs newborn, sometimes screaming inconsolably. It broke our hearts not being able to comfort him at times. I remember R once looking up at me from his crib while I tried to sooth C. He had this expression of understanding that C needed me more in that moment than him and as well as sympathy for me that I was struggling.

R and I have always had a special connection. I don’t know if the stress of my last week of work and his prompting their early week 33 arrival is sheer coincidence, but when he feels under the weather or in a bad mood so am I, and vice versa. When I got pregnant I could tell he knew early on. This was also the case with my pregnancy back in 2017. He just started acting different. Needy. He’s always been a cuddle bug, but the cuddling turned to pleading to be picked up, then whining and quickly escalated to crying. I know. I’m not the only mother who has gone through this. What I’ve described is very common with children, but I can’t help but feel especially guilty because they’re twins.

Lately C is asserting himself as the older brother, being more physically forceful and bossy with R. He’s even getting sassy with me lately. He’s becoming a little more independent, not always giving me a hug and kiss when I leave. I don’t push him. And then on the flip side, when I’m sitting on the floor he’ll wrap his arms around me and plant a kiss on me or when we’re watching a show he nuzzles close to me and interlocks his arm with mine. He often shows his affection on his terms and that’s fine. It still melts my heart. I will hold on to these moments.

Although R is very strong willed, the two have distinctly different personalities. R is much more sensitive. This week R alerted me to a toy that needed mending so I went I was upstairs fix it. The boys were downstairs with our nanny and I heard R crying. I normally don’t jump and run because I trust our nanny can handle it, but there was something different in his cry that prompted me to get up and go downstairs. When I got down on my knees and asked him what was the matter he just threw his arms around my neck and buried his face in me. This doesn’t happen often. So I picked him up and stroked his hair and back, his long legs straddling my protruding belly, while he calmed down. It was almost nap time so I carried him up to their room. He was in better spirits then and ready to be put down. He just needed a little one-on-one time with Mama. It’s moments like these I’m happy to swoop in to fix.

Seeing how their personalities are developing, maybe quicker because they sense their world is soon going to change drastically, brings so many feelings ranging from excitement to fear. It’s wonderful that they’re continuing to grow into these little people, but is this harder on them than I realize? Will I be able to give them each what they need after she arrives? Will they feel cheated? Less loved? Will I have the stamina to keep up with it all? Will I have enough patience?? Will I still make time for me??? This is a new kind of anxiousness I wasn’t expecting.

Again, I know. I’m not the only mother who has gone through this. And like anything else I’ll take it day-by-day, or maybe just hour-by-hour, and try not to beat myself up about any of the mistakes I’m bound to make.

What gives me solace is that I adore these little gentlemen. My love grows for them everyday, despite them acting poorly or wearing my patience thin. I’ll continue to do everything possible to make sure I’m present so they feel that love; even if I have to wear their baby sister most of the day, which they’ll probably hate to start and eventually grow to love…at least I hope!